Dude, where's my keys?

We all have keys. Keys for cars, doors, safes, diaries (maybe if your 12?) and somehow I seem to lose them in the weirdest way or just lock them in cars, a lot. I have started this OCD for constantly checking if my keys are in my purse or pocket before shutting my car door, usually 3-4 times. I even have this phobia when walking onto elevators, decks, or anything else that has cracks where your precious belongings can fall into the abyss. This is only because I have dropped several things down that black hole, usually crying after.

The elevator story however has a happy ending. You know that hole (or slot?) that the elevator doors use to close? I think there’s about a 1% chance of actually having an item small enough to drop something into it, me being that 1%. It happened at my high school in slow motion really, while my friends (who I drove) looked at me in that ‘you’re an idiot look’ saying, “Is that even possible?” We then headed up to the 3rd floor as my friends were freaking out not knowing how we were going to get home…until I came up with a solution. A HANGER! We grabbed a couple wire hangers (ok, we stole them) and went back to the 1st floor. I laid down while someone held the door and a flashlight (not sure how we got a flashlight now that I’m thinking about it…or the hangers). I was able to scoop the keys up from about 4 feet down and save them! YAHOOOO!!! (That’s probably what I really shouted too).
RIP wire hangers, you are NOT missed!!

Not so much of a happy ending with this incident though. Night after my Halloween party my keys were flown (along with my friend) to, where else, Tennessee. 'Must have been a good party when your keys end up across country, eh?' (that quote wasn’t funny to me). Once they were shipped out the post office decided to destroy them. Again, the post office DESTROYED them. They told me they put them in a shredder. RRReally?! My friend 'pulled a heather’ and mailed them in a regular envelope (so he says) rather than ...A BOX! You know who you are.
RIP Pink Heart shaped Hello Kitty keychain. (I love you)

Yes, I have locked my keys in my car and yes I once did it 4 times in one week (must have been a rough week) but have you ever locked someone else's keys in their car... or locked their child in their car with the keys still sitting in the ignition? (sigh). The “I locked your baby in your car” happened in the Kmart parking lot (what? he wanted to 'drive’). When I locked my friend’s keys in his car it was the first time meeting him (great first impression right?)...oh yea, and it was in the snow...at night. It's kind of like that saying from everyone's grandpa only mine doesn’t keep getting exaggerated over and over...'I walked 5 miles to school...in the snow...barefoot...with all my books...with no jacket'.
RIP papa, I miss you (he was the one who drove 40 miles with the extra key to save my baby cousin, who I locked in the car) THANKS PAPA!!

Speaking of loosing things...have you ever lost something when come to find out it was right in front of you the whole time? I once cleaned my entire room trying to find the remote when come to find out it was in my back pocket. ...I’ve also started looking for my phone… while talking on it. One day I will invent a tracking device to find keys, remotes, left socks, and small children but what happens if you lose the tracking device too? Until that day comes, maybe I’ll wear a velcro suit in hopes everything will just stick to me, not sure if I want random babies on my velcro back though.

I will take any ideas…

Nicknames

If your nickname was Feather or Heater (also Heat, Neat, Meat) how would that make you feel?

Well, Feather is obvious… (it rhymes with Heather, duuh) but Heat-er isn't as clear as one would think. Yea, whoever was clever enough to remove the 'h' to create a nickname that also is a device that keeps you warm and toasty through those long winter nights probably only deserves a gold star or a 3rd place ribbon, but that’s not so much the case.

Kudos, to the Tai lady at the Tai restaurant (who in no fault of her own) read my debit card, saw my name, and read it back 'Heater'. It’s not her fault she can’t say her 'tthh's", but it is the fault of a witness who took the opportunity at hand and has ever since called me the ‘speech impediment version’ of my name. Others have adopted the ever so famous nickname and it has now stuck.

Unfortunately there are random strangers who think my name is ‘Neat’ (yea, neat means cool, good, swell) but they only think this because one friend likes to shorten my nickname calling me ‘Heat’ and they heard my introduction as 'Neat'. This also has happened in a different introduction but the heard 'Meat' …GREAT!
...PS Guys: no girl (probably not the ‘sensitive’ guys either) wants to be called....Meat. But hey, I’ve been called worse.

Remember Rocko's Modern Life? If not, thanks to Nickelodeon, it was a cartoon filled with random animals as the main characters. Rocko (was he an ant eater?) and his best friend Heifer, who yes, was a cow. Well when you’re in 6th grade and your name sounds like a 'famous' cartoon character, peers will call you anything (unfortunately in my case) 'Heifer'. Yes, that was my nickname. Not to be associated with an actual cow until we got to a certain age and found out the true definition, let's just say…well, that wasn't my nickname anymore. (There are a certain few who still call me “Hef”…not to get confused with the pimp himself, Hugh Hefner, still talking about the cow).

What’s worse than being called Heat/Neat/Meat or… HEIFER!!? Being associated with the crazy alien believer...Tom effing Cruise. Yes, all my life I have been harassed with questions like, 'How’s your uncle?' ...'Seen your cousin lately?'…and of course my favorite 'Are you related to...' as I abruptly interrupt them with the dullest expression and say 'no.' Even though I would like to say, 'NO!...You idiot, do I look like someone that is swimming in the crazy dough? You must be those types of annoying people who sit on the couch and watch TMZ and EXTRA! while you wait for a commercial to give you the opportunity to switch to Dr. Phil & Judge Judy' but hey, I’m a nice person, so I’ll just say it to you in my head while your staring at me still in hope that you might have just met someone who is the closest thing to fame in your pathetic life. (I AM a nice person, I promise)

But I guess I'd take being harassed over a crazy talentless celeb versus A GIANT BOAT!!...or ship? I don’t think I would handle the questions 'How’s your uncle?' ...'Seen your cousin lately?'...and of course my favorite 'Are you related to...' if it was pertaining to a giant floating mass carrying thousands of people at a time.
…PS Guys: no girl (probably not the ‘sensitive’ guys either) wants to be compared to a giant boat…or ship. But hey, again, I’ve been called worse.


This is Heat, signing off.

Heather’s Law: “what could happen, will happen… to me”

Yes, I have said and done some crazy things but it’s those rare (not so rare with me) moments when you just have to say “really, REALLY?!” and need to share it with anyone right away to prove that this kind of thing does in fact happen.

Even though it’s 2010 and we as woman can vote, work two jobs, run as president and can now get laser hair removal way down yonder there’s still that embarrassing unmentionable we rarely talk about, even with other women… The Period. Not only is “Aunt Flo” rarely discussed, you don’t dare say the word “tampon” out loud. Instead, we have found many code words for pads and tampons, guys you have no idea the great lengths we girls go to for obtaining either one of these (and I know you don’t want to know either, trust me). I like to use “boat” & “paddle” for my choice of code but usually I get weird looks until I emphasize “paddle”.

Being that it is still embarrassing to go to the store to have to purchase these items (even Midol can make someone blush) imagine dropping one of these items in public or walking around with a (clean) pad on your back…thanks friends btw. And that’s where my story begins, the ever most famous line “OMG, I just dropped a tampon on the bus isle” …and “OMG, it’s now ROLLING down the aisle”

It dropped out of my bag, and of course I was sitting in the front of the bus and of course it had to roll down the aisle. To make matters worse (or just more painfully embarrassing) the bus driver instantly hit the gas pedal causing the little guy to roll down …and down until it was stopped by a ladies shoe. Mortified, she just looked down at it slightly cocking her head to the side in confusion. Luckily the bus driver hit his brakes at the perfect time causing the little bastard to roll back to me as I crouched down in the middle of the aisle like a baseball player catching a ground ball with his glove. Once in hand I sat back up, tossed it back in the bag, and had to find any shred of dignity left not to turn beet red and cry… hard. I could hear some other women snickering about 5 rows back (meaning everyone saw) but hey, when you’re me, you need this type of stuff to help grow “tough skin” or at least a backbone because it will, indeed, happen, again is some way, shape, or form.

As for the (clean) pad that was ever so strategically stuck on my back, it’s like a giant plush sticker to a prankster. But just like the dryer sheet that was stuck on my back for one whole day in Junior High, I knew how to deal with the situation…rip it off in a graceful less obvious way and act completely over it. Even though your confidence is shattered in any embarrassing moment somehow you have to act cockier than your normal self to hopefully prove you weren’t fazed by it.

I think Jay-Z put it well when he said “brush your shoulders off” but of course in my white girl swag I look ridiculous.

intro...

Let’s just say the phrase “pulling a heather” wasn’t something I was proud of but over the years it grew on me and now there’s nothing I can do about it. The phrase is used anytime someone says or does something out of the blue that either doesn’t make sense, is completely stupid and well, “dumb blonde-ish”, or will just leave you walking away saying “WTF?!”.
Unfortunately, I do all 3 frequently…in public…with witnesses.

This blog was not only created to share all the outlandish ‘word vomit’ I seem to spew out any given moment but also to share my mishaps and series of unfortunate events with all who care to read. I hope to find others like me, who also say the darndest things or fall up stairs (down stairs too), lose their phone on ferry boats, or drop tampons on metro buses. (yes, that is pertaining to me and yes, my life is pathetic but you never know, maybe this will bring confidence to the insecure who constantly compare their lives to others?)

To my friends:
yes, YOUR stories will be in this too. If you have “pulled a heather” you will be dueling noted.